I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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