Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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