I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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