$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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