apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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