toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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