how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
