captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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