I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
