There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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