It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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