Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
