Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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