I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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