Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
