then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
