Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
don't judge my taste in strippers
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I supernannyed him into submission
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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