Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
