She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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