If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
