We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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