I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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