the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
