I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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