you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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