So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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