I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
