You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
