I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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