you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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