I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
