she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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