My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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