Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
