Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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