He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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