I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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