I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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