When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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