So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
