So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
