8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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