you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
