I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
