did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
