Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
