I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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