we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
