I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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