So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
