Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
