so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
