Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
