He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
