my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
