He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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