Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
