Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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