My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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