I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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