dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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