Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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