don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
